FF-Span
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All
FF
Debating,
All
da
time!
Today's Episode: What kind of animal is Red XIII?
(By "needs ta be restrained from da keyboard durin peaks of boredom" Zarla)
(Note: I am not responsible fer any mental damage cause by readin this fic.)
Zarla: Yes, I've decided that writin this script form would be easier. Cause I'm DARN LAZY.
Red XIII: Well, at least I get SOMETHIN about me.
Zarla: Our topic fer tanight is...::reads cuecard:: "What da heck are ya, Red XIII?" What kinda stupid question is tha-
::cuts ta two podiums::
Alternate Announcer (Since Red XIII is unavailable, this has fallen to Sephiroth): ::voice comes from speakers:: Sephiroth here. I know that's all that's important, but this crazy vixen here says I have to talk about someone else...well, some people are going to argue about something.
Zar: Do it right, Seph!
Seph: ::sighs:: Fine. Red XIII versus Tifa on the discussion of whether or not he's a...whatever. You know what? I don't think anyone really cares. I think they would rather just have me take my shirt off.
Zar: We did that last time. And ya don't wear a shirt.
Seph: ::ignores her, begins brushing his hair::
Tifa: Hi everyone! ::waves at the audience:: (pauses so that the teenage boys can remember this from the end of the game)
Red XIII: Greetings.
Cid: Start the #$^#in' debate, already!
Tifa: Okay...well, I think Red XIII is a lion. 'Cause lions are strong and cute.
Red XIII: I am not a lion.
Tifa: ::thinks:: Maybe some kind of wolf?
Red XIII: ::shakes head::
Cid: Then what the $#^# are you!?
::audience claps, Tifa glares at him::
Tifa: This is MY debate, Cid! Stay out of it!
Cid: Your debate sucks @#$!
::more clapping::
Tifa: Shut up! I bet Cloud thinks I'm a great debater!
Cid: I bet Cloud will think whatever you #^#@in' tell him too!
Tifa: CLOUD!
Cloud: ::staring off into space:: Wha?
Tifa: I'm a good debater, right? ::bounces for emphasis:: (::watches the teenage boys go off with a nosebleed::)
Cloud: Who's a what now?
Tifa: ::sighs::
Cid: ::gets on stage, shoves Tifa off:: Get off this stage and let a real debater go on, $^&$#.
Tifa: HEY!
Red XIII: ::has been watching this whole thing with a sweatdrop:: Um...
Cid: Okay, what the #$#^ are you?!
Red XIII: ::jumps on podium:: I am the son of Seto! The Warrior! ::knocks podium over, it goes flying into the audience, smashing Yuffie::
Yuffie: ::dies::
Seph: I think Red XIII is trying to rally public support here.
::crowd goes wild with support for Red::
Cid: Okay, then until you prove it wrong, you are a...::thinks:: lion.
Red XIII: I am not a lion. Do lions have muzzles like this?
Vincent: ::in back looking up 'lion' in the Encyclopedia Fantastica:: Yes.
Red XIII: They don't have manes....oh wait, never mind. Um...Their tails aren't on fire!
Cid: That #$&#in' reminds me, doesn't that #^#&in' hurt?
Red XIII: No, it's natural...isn't it? ::looks at tail::
Cid: ::douses tail with water::
Red XIII: ::has a blackened stub for a tail:: So it was really burning? But why didn't it hurt? ::suddenly dies::
Cid: Oh #%&#!
Tifa: CID!
Vincent: ::still in back looking in the dictionary:: According to this, when something has a tail that's on fire, if it's put out, it dies. ::pauses, looks at book:: What kind of books are these?
Tifa: YOU KILLED RED XIII!
Cid: $%&$.
Seph: Looks like this debate has taken a interesting turn.
Cait Sith: ::weeps over Red XIII's body::
Barret: Di'n't that thing like being called Nanook or somethin'?
Vincent: ::without lookin up from book:: Nanaki.
Cloud: Who did what now?
Tifa: You killed the Son of Seto!
Cid: That reminds me, that whole "Son of Seto" thing was getting @$^@in' annoying.
Tifa: YOU HEARTLESS-::jumps at Cid:: (::pauses for the image to appear in the teenage boy's heads::)
Cid: ::easily side-steps her:: Hey, try and kick me! Ha ha!
Tifa ::runs up to him and tries to punch him::
Cid: ::ducks::
Tifa: ::tries to kick him::
Cid: ::grabs her foot, throws her off the stage::
Tifa: ::goes flying into Aeris, who happened to be walking by at this time::
Cid: ::brushes off hands:: Now THAT'S a $%^*#in' debate.
Cait Sith: Red XIII will never laugh, or cry, or be-
Cid: ::kicks Cait Sith into the audience:: Shut up!
Cloud: What's going on?
Vincent: ::buries head in hand and claw:: Why do these debates always turn out more like the Jerry Springer show?
Cloud: The what?
Seph: I just finished washing my hair. Anywhere I can air it out?
Zar: Air out yer HAIR?
Seph: Let your hair dry in the gentle wind...it's the only way to get that Sephiroth hair. ::flashes smile, girls faint::
Zar: ::shakes head::
Seph: ::opens window, lets hair dangle out::
Zar: ::rubs paws together:: This is tooo easy. ::snickers evilly::
Cloud: ::looking blankly off to one side::
Zar: Hey Cloud! ::whispers:: Look! It's Rapunzel!
Cloud: What?
Zar: ::smacks forehead:: Climb up the hair, stupid! ::shoves him in that direction::
Cloud: ::shrugs, begins climbing::
Seph: Ah, the gentle breeze tugging at my hair...a little hard, actually... ::humming "One Winged Angel" to himself::
Vincent: ::investigating Red XIII's body:: I think we could bring him back to life if we had a lighter. ::looks at Cid::
Cid: Why do I have to do EVERYTHING around here? ::pulls out lighter from his goggles, tosses it to Vincent::
Vincent: ::struggling to relight Red XIII's tail::
Barret: ::has snuck off into a corner by himself to read "A Brief History of Space and Time"::
Cait Sith: ::walks over:: Whatcha reading?
Barret: ::hides book:: What?! I wasn't reading nothin! Get away from me!
Cait Sith: You're reading an advanced novel!
Barret: Am not!
Cait Sith: ::runs back:: Hey everyone! Barret's actually smart!
Barret: ::aims at Cait Sith:: You better run, cat!
Cait Sith: ::screeches, runs::
Cid: Don't you $&$@in' know how to use a lighter?
Vincent: ::frustrated:: No...::starts crying:: I'm a failure at everything!
Cid: ::rolls eyes:: Not this again. ::lights Red XIII's tail with a flick of his wrist::
Red XIII: ::wakes up:: What happened? ::swings tail around, embers fly::
Cait Sith: ::gets set on fire:: AAA!
Vincent: ::through tears:: Cid killed you.
Red XIII: What?!
Cid: You're alive now, right? ::nervous::
Cait Sith: Stop, drop, and roll! ::stops, drops, knocks himself unconcious::
Red XIII: And what's with him?
Cid: Beats me.
Seph: Ah, the gentle breeze. It almost feels like someone's climbing up my hair.
Cloud: ::falls inside the window::
Seph: Someone WAS climbing my hair! ::pulls hair back inside::
Cloud: What's happening?
Seph: ::since his hair was not allowed to dry correctly, it gets bunched up and frizzy like an afro:: You!
Cloud: ::looks at Seph, bursts out laughing::
Seph: ::angry, draws 12-foot sword::
Red XIII: ::looks at self:: Well, I think I'm okay now.
Cid: Lion.
Red XIII: I am not a lion!
Cid: Prove it.
Red XIII: ::pauses::
Vincent: ::still crying::
Barret: ::considering shooting the unconcious Cait Sith:: Nah. Too easy.
Cid: ::shoves Red XIII off the stage::
Red XIII: Hey!
Cid: ::looks at Vincent:: You okay?
Vincent: ::weeping hysterically for no real reason::
Cid: ::sweatdrop:: I didn't even @$^@in' mention that @^*#$ Lucrecia this time...
Vincent: ::cries louder::
Cid: Shhh-! ::holds ears::
Vincent: ::throws himself at Cid:: Hold me!
Cid: ::blank look:: Um...okay.
Vincent: ::still crying::
Barret: He cries way too easily.
Cid: ::throws his jacket at him:: Shut the #@&$ up!
Barret: ::screams, then realizes what he threw:: A jacket?
::this is followed by a cloak and other pieces of clothing::
Barret: What am I, a coat rack?
Red XIII: ::sweatdrop:: Who didn't see that coming...
Barret: I think it was kinda original myself.
Red XIII: ::slaps forehead (?):: Not that, you imbecile. ::points at Vincent and Cid::
Barret: Well, at least Yuffie is dead now. She won't try and hit on me.
Red XIII: Hey Zar, is this over yet?
Zar: ::thinks:: I think so. Yeah, I think it is. What's next week's topic? ::stuffed duck floats down with a paper in it's mouth::
Red XIII: ::pounces the duck::
Zar: ::manages to save the piece of paper:: "Why did Rinoa fall in love with someone with all the emotional capacity of a brick?" Didn't we already do this? ::cuts to commercials::
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