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Today's Episode: What da heck is up with Ultimecia and her totally non-sensical plan ta "compress-time"?
(By "needs ta be restrained from da keyboard durin peaks of boredom" Zarla)
(Note: I am not responsible fer any mental damage cause by readin this fic.)


Zarla: Yes, I've decided that writin this script form would be easier. Cause I'm DARN LAZY.
Irvine: Well, I don't care, as long as people get ta stare at me. ::smiles::
Zarla: Our topic fer tanight is...::reads cuecard:: "What da heck is Ultimecia's problem?" What kinda stupid question is tha-

::cuts ta two podiums::

Alternate Announcer (Selphie, this time): ::voice comes from speakers:: HEYA! This is FF-Span, Da only channel where FF characters (mainly from VII) come to argue about important stuff! Today's debaters are Ultimecia, Irvine Kinneas, and Zell Dincht on the question..."What da heck is Ultimecia's problem?" Booyaka!
::Ultimecia is sitting and looking weird (as usual), Irvine is still dressed like a cowboy, and Zell is hopping up and down on a major sugar rush::
Ultimecia: I understand there's supposed to be a debate, or something?
Raijin (from audience): Sure. That's why you're here, you know?
Fujin: ARGUE.
Zell: Me first! Me first! ::grabs microphone:: Okay, you creepy witch, what da heck's your problem? I mean, you cause us some major problems for some vaguely defined plan? What exactly were you trying to do!?
::audience (i don't care enough to count right now) claps::
Ultimecia: I was trying to kompress time. Obviously.
Irvine: Why?
Ultimecia: ::pauses::
Selphie: Looks like Irvy-chan has got her cornered! GO IRVY-CHAN! BOOYAKA!
Irvine: ::sweatdrop::
Ultimecia: So I kould make all the sorceresses gather in one place and I would be the ultimate sorceress..I would have all the power! HAHA!
Zell: And compressing time somehow does this? ::still talking really fast::
Ultimecia: Um...yes.
Irvine: How's that?
Selphie: They got her now! GO IRVY-CHAN! BOOYAKA!
Seifer: Would someone please go and slap her?
Raijin: I will, ya know?
Fujin: AFFIRMATIVE.
::various characters go to beat on Selphie::
Ultimecia: If I kompressed time, I kould force all the sorceresses to become one, meaning me.
Irvine: There wouldn't be any time left for you to rule over!
Ultimecia: Um...
Squall: ::takes over the announcer job as Selphies hysterical crying in the back is heard:: Ultimecia's plan apparently does not seem to be well thought out. ::totally emotionless::
Zell: Stupid! Stupid! Seriously! You should think things through! Really! ::too hyper to think, still bouncing up and down::
Irvine: Stop that.
Zell: I can't! This is so exciting! We're on FF-SPAN! Doncha know how cool that is? This is super cool! ::boing boing boing::
Seifer: Hey, Chicken-wuss! Stop that before I slap you!
Zell: ::angry:: WHAT?! ::tackles Seifer::
Seifer: ::ducks behind Raijin and Fujin, who have mysteriously returned::
Quistis: What's with your obsession with slapping lately, Seifer?
Seifer: Why should I tell YOU?
Quistis: Because I'm your superior.
Seifer: No you're not. You quit your job so you could try and hit on someone who has the emotional capacity of a brick.
Quistis: ::cries::
Rinoa: Don't say that about my Squall-chan!
Seifer: ::looks sad:: You used to call me Seifer-chan until you fell in love with a brick.
Rinoa: He's not a brick! ::starts crying also::
Ultimecia: ::sweatdrop:: All the woman are krying now eksept for me and the grey-haired one...
Fujin: WUSSES.
Raijin: If your precious Squall isn't emotionless, why hasn't he said something, you know?
Rinoa: SQUALL-CHAN!
Squall: ::was dozing:: What?
Rinoa: Seifer said you have the emotions of a brick!
Squall: ::pause:: ....
Seifer: You heard me!
Squall: ...stop it.
Seifer: Hey, you really love this weepy moron here?
Squall: ::pause::
Rinoa: SQUALL!
Squall: ...of course. ::emotionless::
Zell: Well, I'm bored! ::still hopping around::
Rinoa: ::bursts into tears:: I love you with all my heart, Squall! Thank you!
Seifer: Give me a break. ::sweatdrop::
Laguna: ::snoring::
Ward: ...
Laguna: Zzzz...
Ward: ...!
Kiros: Laguna, Ward wants something.
Laguna: ::snores::
Irvine: ::stops looking at himself in a mirror:: Why, all the ladies are crying! ::saunters over to Rinoa:: Do you want someone to...comfort you?
Rinoa: ::screams, slaps him::
Irvine: Oww...okay...::walks to Quistis:: Do-
Quistis: ::socks him::
Irvine: Ouch! ::sits down, cries::
Zell: ::boing boing:: Let's go get some HOT DOGS! ::notices Irvine:: Hey, you! Stop being sad!
Irvine: ::looks at Ultimecia:: So...how are you tonight?
Ultimecia: ::claws him::
Irvine: Oowww...Fujin?
Fujin: NO. KILL.
Irvine: ::backs away::
::Seifer, meanwhile, has been taunting Squall::
Seifer: Hey, Brick-boy! I dare you to come down here and fight me!
Squall: ...
Rinoa: ::singing Eyes on Me to herself::
Quistis: ::still bawling::
Zar: ::giggling:: I still think Quistis should be a chocobo...so, as my power as author...::claps paws together::
Quistis: ::turns into chocobo:: WARK!
Zell: ::laughing hysterically at nothing in particular::
Irvine: No one likes me...::continues crying::
Kiros: LAGUNA!
Laguna: ::wakes up:: What?! What?!
Kiros: Ward wants to go get lunch.
Irvine: ::looks at Laguna:: Who are you?
Laguna: President of Esthar.
Zar: ::looks thoughtful:: At least, I THINK he is.
Irvine: You're a pretty girl. Wanna go out?
Laguna: I'M A GUY! ::horror-struck::
Irvine: Really?! ::sweatdrop:: Oops.
Kiros: ::laughing hysterically::
Ultimecia: ::looks at hand:: Hmm...time for me to destroy the world for no good reason.
Irvine: ::returns to seat:: You don't wear a watch.
Ultimecia: Of kourse I don't. That relates to time.
Zell: You can't do that! We already stopped you before, you crazy witch! You goin' down! Yaa! ::socks Ultimecia::
Ultimecia: ::is hit so hard that her chair flips backwards in that dramatic way they always do in talkshows::
::everyone looks at Zell, who is pumping his fists up and down and giggling::
Zell: WOO HOO!
Irvine: That was unexpected.
Squall: Can we go home now?
Zar: Wait fer it...here comes my fav part of FF-SPAN. ::giggles evilly::
::a brick inexplicably goes flying for Zell's head::
Irvine: Zell, look out! ::leaps on him::
Zell: ACK!
Irvine: I saved you! You owe me!
Zell: Owe what? What happened? Let's get some HOT DOGS!
Irvine: ::sweatdrop:: You're totally hyper, aren't you?
Rinoa: Took you long enough.
Quistis: Wark wark wark wark, wark wark.
Irvine: ::runs off with Zell::
Zar: ::laughs maniacally::
Kiros: Laguna...
Laguna: ::snore::
Ward: ...::seems to sigh::
Kiros: ::carries Laguna to his room::
Seifer: Squall, come down here and fight me like a man! Or do I have to come up there!
Squall: ...
Seifer: That's it! I'm going up there! ::dashes up to booth::
Zar: Hmmm...::giggles:: Who else do we have? ::waves paws::
Rinoa: Quistis, I've been meaning to tell you for a long time...
Quistis: Wark?
Rinoa: I love you. If you weren't a CHOCOBO, THAT IS! ::glares at Zar::
Raijin+Fujin: ::dissapear mysteriously::
Zar: ::still laughing hysterically:: Ha ha, a chocobo, that's good...
Ultimecia: ::trying to get up:: Little help here?
Zar: ::looks at list:: Let's see...all I gotta do now is kill Selphie.
Selphie: ::sniffle:: Wha?
Zar: I hate you. So you must die. ::claps paws tagether::
Selphie: ::spontaenously combusts screaming "Booyaka!" over and over::
Zar: ::watches giggling:: I always hated that word.
Rinoa: ::sitting on Quistis' back:: Is the show over now?
Zar: ::looks up:: I think so. ::looks at list:: Hmm...next week's edition is..."What kind of animal is Red XIII?"...::pause:: I don't write these. Who does? This is so stupi-::is cut off::

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