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Today's Episode: Is Vincent Valentine, in fact, a member of the undead?
(By "needs ta be restrained from da keyboard durin peaks of boredom" Zarla)
(Note: I am not responsible fer any mental damage cause by readin this fic.)


Zarla: Yes, I've decided that writin this script form would be easier. Cause I'm DARN LAZY.
Vincent: Well, you're apparently not lazy enough to stop writing this.
Zarla: SHH. Our topic fer tanight is...::reads cuecard:: "Is Vin a Vampire?" What kinda stupid question is tha-

::cuts ta two podiums::

Alternate Announcer (Which is Red XIII, by da way): ::voice comes from speakers:: Greetings. This is FF-Span, Da only channel where FF characters (mainly from VII) come to argue about things that really are not important. ::smack sound is heard, whimper from Red XIII:: Ow...anyway, today's debaters are Cid Highwind and Vincent Valentine on the question..."Is Vincent a Vampire?"
::both of them, dressed in suits (although Cid has his goggles on still and his shirt is stained a little) walk up to their respective podiums::
Vincent: My first statement will be that I am not a Vampire.
Zarla: ::backstage:: Nice way ta start a debate. ::sweatdrop::
Vincent: I find this whole thing idiotic and pointless. I have stated over and over again that I am not a member of the undead and yet this goes unbelieved.
Cid: ::finally breaks in:: #$&@, you freakin' act like one.
::audience (consisting of about, seven people let's say-)
Red XIII: Seven people? What, is this not sure or something? Haven't you counted? People just don't flicker in and out of existence- ::Zar smacks him::
::as I was saying, seven people (the audience) clap::
Vincent: ::annoyed:: I do not act like a vampire, for one thing. I do not drink blood.
Cid: You sleep in a #%&in' coffin!
::audience claps again::
Vincent: ::sighs:: I wasn't there by choice, Hojo stuck me in there.
Cid: Then why did you want to #$^#in' sleep all the time? You seemed to want to stay in there when Cloud woke you up.
Cloud: Huh? What did I do now?
::everyone ignores Cloud::
Vincent: I can walk around in daylight. Nothing happens to me.
Cid: Why do you always wear a cloak? To keep the sun off!
Red XIII: Cid seems to be making some good points here...
Vincent: What about my head, then?
::audience oohs::
Cid: ::looks thoughtful:: Your hair covers most of it.
Vincent: My hair. ::looks at him skeptically::
Cid: ::gestures:: It #&#$in' covers your whole #%&#in' face!
Vincent: ...
Red XIII: Vincent apparently is going to try and move onto a different tactic here.
Vincent: Crosses do not hurt me.
Cid: ::pauses::
Red XIII: Looks like Vincent has a good point here. Cid looks like he's going to move somewhere else.
Cid: What about Garlic? You don't like being around it.
Vincent: No one likes the smell of Garlic. It's natural.
Cloud: ::to self:: I like it...
::everyone ignores Cloud::
Red XIII: Cid seems to be thinking of something else...so am I, actually. Can't someone else do this?
::sounds of scuffling are heard across speakers::
Red XIII: ::whimpers:: Fine, fine...
Cid: Well, how come you spent a %#&$in' long time in a coffin and still look like you're in your early twenties?
Vincent: Hojo.
Cid: The claw?
Vincent: Hojo.
Cid: The Fangs?
Vin: Hojo...wait! I don't have fangs!
Cid: The weird limit breaks?
Vincent: THAT was Hojo.
Cid: ::dramatically:: So now it's all Hojo's fault, eh?
Vincent: Yes.
Cid: ::sweatdrop:: Um...
Red XIII: Looks like Vincent caught Cid by surprise here, but he seems to be rebounding...
Cid: What's with the all black wardrobe then? Did Hojo do that, too? ::looks at him suspiciously::
Vincent: HENTAI! ::throws boot at Cid::
Cid: %&#$! ::ducks::
Cloud: What's going on now?
Tifa: ::sighs:: Sometimes, Cloud...
Red XIII: ::coughs:: Cid's brought up a touchy subject here...but I think he's going to back off now. And where did Vincent get that boot?
Cid: ::gets back up:: Okay...um...okay, then why-
Vincent: I've got a red cape! It's not all black! My headband's red too!
Seph: ::from audience:: Stop living in the past, Valentine!
Vincent: Who asked you?! ::starts crying, throws a boot at him::
Seph: ::actually gets hit, flies back:: OW!
Red XIII: ::sighing:: Oh dear, it seems someone's opened up the old "Lucrecia" wound again.
Vincent: ::bawling:: It's all my fault! Waaa!
Cid: Hey, calm down...
Cloud: ::jumps up:: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
Tifa+Aeris: ::smack him::
Cloud: ::flies back with Seph:: Ack!
Cait Sith: This brings to attention- ::is ignored by everyone else::
Barret: Ain't Seph and Aeris dead?
::everyone looks at the two in question::
Seph: I can't die. The love of my many fans keeps me alive. ::flashs smile, millions of girls faint::
Aeris: Um...I'm...a nice person?
Red XIII: I'm afraid Aeris hasn't given a very good reason for living yet...
Aeris: Wait! I have fans too! Really!
Seph: Tifa has more fans then you.
::Aeris, who has no reason to live, therefore dies::
Tifa: Hey Seph, do the fans really keep you alive?
Seph: Yes indeed. If I died, millions of girls would come to avenge me. And there are already thousands of theories out there on how I could be brought back to life or never died in the first place.
Cloud: Hey Seph, aren't you dead?
Everyone: ::falls over::
Cait Sith: You kinda missed the conversation, Cloud!
Seph: No, I'm not dead.
Cloud: But I killed you!
Seph: I'm here, aren't I? So I'm alive.
Cloud: ::thinks::
Red XIII: Let's return to the debate while we give Cloud about ten minutes to think about this.
Cid: ::comforting Vin:: Calm down, Vin. Really, you got to get over this #$^#in' guilt complex of yours.
Vincent: ::weeping hysterically (you know, the kind of tears that become large fountains):: It's my fault! Why didn't I do anything! Ahh, I'm a monster! ::cuts about-to-speak Cid off:: NOT A VAMPIRE!
Cid: If it bugs you that much, we'll stop callin' you that.
Vincent: Really? ::sniffs::
Cid: ::stands up:: Hey you numbskulls!
::everyone looks at him::
Cid: Vin's not a %#&#in' vampire, okay?
::everyone blinks::
Cloud: ::looks confused:: Who's not a what now?
Red XIII: It appears that the debate has taken an interesting turn...in fact, it looks like it's over.
Seph: ::shakes head:: I'm surrounded by fools.
Cloud: Who's what now?
Tifa: Poor Cloud...ever since the Mako thing, he's been a little off.
Barret: Tifa, everyone knew that already.
Tifa: Well, I'm just making it clear.
Cait Sith: It was clear already!
Tifa: ::angry for no good reason:: Shut up, you stupid cat!
Cait Sith: ::looks sad:: That was unwarranted. You're mean. ::cries::
Tifa: ::bounces up and down in frustration:: (::pauses fer a minute so all da teenage boys ta imagine this::) MEAN!? ::kicks Cait Sith::
Cait Sith: ::lands on Barret:: MEOWCH!
Barret: ::throws him off:: Get this #&#$ cat offa me!
Seph: ::takes off shirt for no really good reason:: (::pauses fer a minute so all da teenage girls can imagine this::)
Cloud: ::stares::
Red XIII: Wait a minute...::looks at Zar:: did Seph wear a shirt in the first place?
Zar: ::spacing out::
Red XIII: ::sweatdrop:: Okay...let's go back to our debaters, shall we? I'll try and get our authoress ta snap out of it...
Vincent: No more teasing...no more vamp! I'm a person! Thank you, Highwind! ::throws himself at him::
Cid: #%&#! ::both fly off-stage::
::momentary silence, then muffled cursing, sounds of fabric being ripped::
::everyone falls over as pair of goggles gets thrown out and hits Barret::
Red XIII: Um...that was unexpected. Let's leave them alone...
Barret: Ow.
Seph: ::grabs Cloud, runs away giggling::
Tifa: HEY!
Cait Sith: ::sweatdrop:: I know what kind of story Zar likes now...
Zar: ::still spacing out:: Mmm.
Red XIII: ::sweatdrop:: Another totally unexpected occurence...how many other characters will be paired tagether for no really good reason?
Aeris: ::gets brought back to life::
Tifa: ::throws herself at Aeris:: Take me!
Aeris: Hey, I do have a reason to live now!
Red XIII: ::buries head in paws:: Ai...hentai...
Cait Sith: Hey Red XIII...doin anythin later?
Barret: ::looks around:: Why don't I get anyone!?
Zar: ::still spacing out::
Yuffie: Oh Barret....there's still someone here. ::makes kissy faces at him::
Barret: ::high-pitched scream::
Zar: ::breaks off fantasizing to laugh hysterically::
Barret: ::in fit of panic, shoots Yuffie repeatedly::
Yuffie: ::dies::
::everyone stops what they were doing and congratulates Barret:: Red XIII: ::manages to get back to the speaker:: Um...show's over. Everyone go home. ::runs off with Cait Sith::
Zar: ::takes over:: Well, there ends another session of...FF-SPAN! Our next episode is ::reads card:: What da heck is up with Ultimecia and her totally non-sensical plan ta "compress-time"? ::looks around:: This is even stupider then da last one! ::gets cut off as show ends::

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