Reflection

(AKA: this title makes no sense)

He stared into the reflective pane of glass with a sort of confused desperation, searching for the answer that eluded him because it could only be found on the other side. The place he’d so many times tried to enter through so many different ways but always with the same result. He ended up with his hand against a cold, solid reflection as miserable as his own realization of this consistent failure.

He hated that feeling. That overwhelming despair and wretched loathing that surfaced, sickening him to the point of physical agony. He just wanted an answer, a solution, a reason. On the other side, he knew he would find it. It had been there forever, just waiting for him to reach out and take…. It would be his, something beautiful and perfect and forever, something that he wouldn’t have to freeze to preserve, something that would always be… something that would finally complete him.

As he stared into the small round reflective lens, he began to see past them. He no longer saw his reflection, but behind it. He gazed into this perfect world, the place where he was sure to find his reason. An overwhelming rush of adrenaline flooded his body as he saw this, this beautiful thing behind the glass. He wanted so badly to reach out to it, to finally feel the barrier removed but in remembrance of earlier attempts, he decided to wait just a few more moments… he couldn’t bear to lose this now. His heart couldn’t stand to remember seeing this, having this opportunity to finally cross over, only to have jumped the proverbial gun. He reached out and flinched, quickly pulling his hand back before he could touch what he saw on the other side.

He wanted to cry from uncertainty, fear, anxiety and hope. He couldn’t fail now, couldn’t fail now, couldn’t fail now. Slowly, carefully, he reached out with a trembling limb. It was his final chance, his very last opportunity to be happy. His entire body shook now, tremors wracking his thin frame. Too much was riding in his judgment… judgment that was so very often flawed. He stood there, one shaking hand raised in the air, ready to reach out at his discretion. Blood pounded in his ears, voices screamed a thousand things, his pulse had quickened to a rapid pace, tears stung his eyes, and all this culminated into the sound of pure chaos.

Then, something unprecedented happened, something he had never experienced or expected. A hand rose to meet his unsteady one. It was so warm to the touch, nothing like the familiar cold solid of the mirror’s usual glass. His eyes widened in surprise, awe and shock and fingers interlaced with his own.

This was it.

This was it.

This was it.

The moment he had waited for all his life had finally, finally happened. With a sigh of relief and a grin he seldom wore, his body collapsed into that of the figure behind the glass. The figure was startled at the suddenness, but managed to support the thin body nonetheless. Hopeful eyes stared up at those he’d always seen behind the glass, but he didn’t see the glass anymore, he saw through it. He smiled with such genuine happiness, the other looked as if he would follow suit and collapse as well.

Upon this realization, the other began to support himself, his legs still a little wobbly and feeling a bit like cherry jell-o.

“Are you really here?”

He blinked twice, “Of course I am.”

“This is real?”

The other nodded slowly.

His previous negative energy was immediately converted to overwhelming joy, a feeling he had probably never felt in his entire existence.

“You’re real?”

“…Are you okay?”

All it only took those words to reassure him and before the other could finish his question, a pair of lips stole it from them. This startled him, causing a moment of panic and confusion, which soon melted into a feeling of warmth. He would have been wary of this action, but there was something about it, something that had him genuinely convinced that this marked a beginning rather than the end he had so long anticipated. A voice in the back of his head, one that he knew more than he’d have liked to, had screamed in protest, but was silenced the second that thin lips had pressed against his. He was dispelled like a shadow. The quietness was odd… the constant internal banter had disappeared and all he could hear was the sound of their breathing. It was absolutely beautiful.

Their lips parted slowly, their eyes still shut and both still clinging to each other as if their very existences depended upon it. Eyes blinked open and their gazes met and everything else in the world was suddenly irrelevant.

“I… you…” He stammered, “…I think I love you.”

The other half expected to hear a sarcastic comment in his mind, but when none came he offered a relieved smile and raised a hand to touch the pale cheek opposite him. “Nny… I think I love you, too.”

This moment couldn’t be real. It was too beautiful, too perfect to be happening… but as he stared through Edgar’s glasses and into the eyes that were staring into him, he was somehow assured that it was. The only voice in his head was Edgar’s, repeating the same thing, over and over.

Nny… I think I love you, too.

I think I love you, too.

I love you, too.

I love you.

“…So I guess this is it.” The same voice said, interrupting his thoughts.

Johnny offered a quizzical expression in reply.

“Aren’t you going to kill me now?”

He reflected on this. Yes, he thought, that’s exactly what I should be doing. I should reach into my boot and grab my knife and plunge it deep into your chest. I should listen to you gasp and bleed and die and collapse to the floor on top of you. I should hold your body until it turns cold and there’s no more blood left in it. Then I should bury you outside, in a special place with a special headstone and maybe even plant some flowers so I’ll always remember how beautiful this was… but he found himself saddened at the thought. No more Edgar meant no more love. No more perfect, no more beautiful. There would always be this moment, he knew he would always have this to look back on and be comforted by… but something in him craved the real thing. He didn’t want memories… he wanted reality. He wanted an anchor. An answer. A reason. And in one quick second, he realized that the answer wasn’t death… it was life. Living in the past wasn’t really living.

“…Nny? Are you still with me?”

Always interrupting his thoughts. “No.”

Edgar’s expression changed to that frightened rabbit look that always made Nny smile.

“No.” He repeated, “I’m not going to kill you.”

Edgar began to speak, but Johnny interjected,

“I’m not going to kill myself either.” He replied, “If this is real, then I’ve finally found what I’ve been looking for. You’re my anchor to this reality… and I’m yours. I need you in order to know that I’m alive. If all I have is a memory, then… how can I ever really be sure? I trust this… I trust you.”

He smiled, looking at Johnny with pure adoration. “I… I trust you too, Nny.”

He didn’t know it was possible for him to feel any happier than he had previously, but somehow he’d been proven wrong. See? He said to himself, if you had killed him, you would have missed this feeling entirely. Edgar leaned in, silencing Johnny’s thoughts with another kiss, and this interruption, he was grateful for.