Title: Blind (this title almost makes sense!)
Author: Dee
Rating: PG-13… language.
Paring: Tenna/Devi
Random
Note: I own NOTHING!!! Okay, maybe a tube of Burt’s Bees lip
balm and 39 cents. The song is
called “Autumns Monologues” by From Autumn to
Ashes. I’m wondering if I should
continue this… I think I kinda like it.
Feedback is appreciated.
Blind
Oh why cant I be what you
need
A new improved version of me
But I’m nothing so good
No I’m
nothing
Just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
Of violence of love
and of sorrow
I beg for just one more tomorrow
Where you hold me down
fold me in
Deep, deep, deep in the heart of your sins
I break in two over you
I break in two
And each
piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you don’t
see me,
You don’t...
* * *
“I mean, come on, Devi, you can’t just-”
“Yes I CAN!” The infuriated woman with purple pigtails retorted in a scream. “I can do whatever the fuck I want! If that means living like a ‘fucking hermit’, then I’ll do as I damn well please!”
Tenna sighed, running a hand through her short brown locks. This was happening far too often for her liking. She inhaled deeply, smiling the best grin she could manage in spite of the furious emotions burning inside her.
“Christ, Tenna, I don’t know what the fuck you want from me.” Devi said, her arms dropping to her sides in an exasperated gesture.
“…I want you to be happy.” She replied in a quiet, uncharacteristic manner. She was sitting cross-legged on Devi’s sofa, her back turned to the other woman.
Devi’s head snapped to face Tenna in shock, “What?”
“I said,” she sighed, “that I want you to be happy.”
She paused a moment before replying. “I want to be happy, too, Tenna.” She studied her fingernails intently as she continued to speak, “I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to be miserable… but God, I’m just not like you.”
A sharp pain stabbed at Tenna’s heart like the knife of Devi’s ex-boyfriend (if you could call him that). “Not like me.” She said, inflectionless.
A silence that made Devi very uncomfortable followed. She hoped that she hadn’t upset her friend, but from the looks of things she’d probably done just that. “I’m sorry, but I-”
“Don’t.” Tenna interjected sharply.
Devi narrowed her eyes in confusion. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine Devi.” She replied, “I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m always fucking fine…” she muttered under her breath.
“Did you say something?” She asked curiously.
“Nope. Nothing at all…”
“What the hell is going on with you?!”
“Why would anything be wrong with me?” Tenna said.
“It’s… you’re just… well, you’re not acting like… well, you.”
“Hah, you mean I’m not buzzing with excitement, happy just to be alive in this miserable fucking waste of a world? I’m sorry, Devi, here, let me fix it for you.” She replied, taking a deep breath and then stood up, grinning madly with her eyes wide with a manic sort of happiness Devi had never seen her express before, “Is this better?! Let’s go out! I wanna go out! Spooky wants you to go ouuuut!” She continued, squeaking the little skeleton toy before throwing him forcefully to the ground, inches away from Devi, who flinched at this. Tenna was now inches away from her, invading her personal proximity. “Does it make you happy, Dev? Does it?”
“Tenna… you’re really starting to scare me.” She replied, her heart pounding in a way it hadn’t since Nny attacked her with a rather large, rather threatening knife.
“Why?” She asked, leaning into Devi’s face, her crazed smile still plastered to her face.
“Because… because you’re…”
“Not happy?” Tenna asked, finishing her sentence.
Devi nodded slowly in agreement.
Her insane expression faded as she moved away from her friend. “Do you really think I’m happy all the fucking time?” She asked in a broken sort of laugh.
Devi was surprised at her friend’s question. “I… I guess… I, it’s just…”
“I’m not.” She cut in, catching Devi’s full attention though her eyes remained downcast. “I cry, I feel, I bleed. I hurt. Mostly over you.”
“…What?” Devi asked, shocked and confused.
“It may shock you to hear this, Dev, but I actually care about you. When you tell me to fuck off, or to leave you alone, shit like that, it fucking hurts. I have to watch you turn into a recluse, and the more I try to help, the more you push me away. We’re in the same room and we’re farther away than the sun.”
“…I didn’t know, why, why didn’t… why didn’t you say something?”
She offered another hollow laugh, “Would you have listened?”
Devi opened her mouth to speak, but closed it soon after finding nothing to respond with.
“I figured as much.” She said, sniffling but doing her very best to hide it. “Sometimes, I wonder…”
“What?” Devi asked, feeling tears behind her eyes, guilt in her stomach and pain in her heart.
Tenna looked up, her eyes finally meeting Devi’s.
“What do you wonder?”
“…If anything I do will ever be enough to make you happy.”
A silence passed between them
“Do you ever…” Tenna began, then paused, and then continued, “do you ever really see me?”
No. She thought. I’ve never seen you. Never seen who you really are. I’ve never bothered to even ask. I’ve used you for your company, stolen your sympathy and milked it for all it was worth. I turned your good intentions into horrible insinuations. I’ve shunned you, shut you out. I’ve abused your ears by endlessly rattling off my ‘problems’ while never even considering your emotions. I’ve never, ever thanked you for anything you’ve done for me in the history of our friendship. I’ve taken you for granted.
“…Devi?” Tenna’s soft voice interrupted her train of thoughts. “Devi?”
She glanced through blurred eyes at her friend.
“Are you all right?” She asked, walking toward her.
And here she was, always looking after her. Always putting Devi first, willing to drop her life should it become necessary. “Why do you even bother, Ten? I treat you like shit.” She cried.
Tenna’s expression softened. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have said anything. I’ve mad a mess of things…”
“No. This is my fault. My mess.”
“Devi, don’t blame yourself.” She replied, bending down to retrieve Spooky from the floor. “I think I should probably go. You’ve probably seen enough of me and Spooky for one night.” Spooky gave a squeak in agreement before they turned around and headed for the door.
“Hey Tenna…” Devi called just as she was about to close the door behind her.
She stopped and glanced over her shoulder.
“…You wanna go out tomorrow?”
Tenna smiled a small, genuine expression. “Okay.”
The door closed and Devi was left standing alone, in the empty silence of her apartment. She thought back on what had just happened and sighed, putting a hand to her head. She was such a shitty person, and after all that, Tenna still hadn’t dropped her. One thing even Devi couldn’t screw up.
She’d never seen Tenna so upset before… well, she’d never actually seen her upset to begin with so she had no comparison, but even at her wildest Devi didn’t think she could compete with Tenna’s behavior. And it was all her fault. Tenna had said it herself.
“I cry, I feel, I bleed. I hurt. Mostly over you.”
“I feel, I bleed. I hurt. Mostly over you.”
“I bleed. I hurt. Mostly over you.”
“I hurt. Mostly over you.”
“I hurt. Mostly over
you.”
Devi sank to the floor and buried her head in her knees. “I’m sorry I made you hurt, Tenna. I’m so, so sorry.” She whispered to no one in particular.
She remembered her fearlessly jumping in her face with that maniac smile… it reminded her something of Johnny… except a little less psychotic, and a little more feigned. His had been a bit more of genuine madness. The look in her eyes, how fast she was breathing, how close they had been to each other… Devi’s stomach flip-flopped just thinking about it. Not about the insane grin or the painful glint in her eyes, but the closeness. Her breathing. She could practically feel it against her skin as Tenna gasped for air. God, the closeness.
She sighed, a giddy sort of smile appearing on her face. And then, she started thinking, ‘why the hell am I smiling?’
…
Oh fuck.